Thursday, January 12, 2006

Asshole of the Universe Discovered

While geographers are agreed that the Anus of Planet Earth is located somewhere in the south-central North America, they are locked in fierce debate as to whether the epicenter is in Plano, Texas, Sugarland, Texas, or Branson, Missouri. Indeed, one theory holds that it ā€œwandersā€ in a manner similar to, and perhaps related to, that of the magnetic poles. But on a cosmic scale, there doesn't seem to be nearly so much uncertainty. Over six hundred light-years from earth, in the constellation Aquarius, scientists have recently discovered the Asshole of the Universe. It is, not surprisingly, quite large, about 2.5 light-years across. Moreover it is very hot, though not very bright. According to space expert E.T. Brown(who compares the Helix Nebula to "a burnin' ring o' fahr"), spectrographic analysis of the radiation now reaching Earth suggests that some of the light may be absorbed by mysterious dark matter in the area, matter at least partly composed of phenylephrine HCl, which, on Earth, finds its way into many patent medicines.


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